Trauma Can Be Sexy

There are many definitions of the word trauma.  I like to use life coach Christine Hassler’s definition, which is “too much, too fast, too soon”.  While this definition is actually quite simplistic, it shows us how many things should actually be considered trauma but often are not. 

I’ve certainly been guilty of minimizing my trauma in the past.  But the important thing to realize is that no matter how small it may seem, all trauma is important and should be handled with care.  It’s important not to label our trauma as “not as bad” as things that others may have experienced.  It’s not a competition.  If it was significant to you, then it f**king matters. 

Before I go any further, I want to put a trigger warning on this post.  As you may have guessed by now, it’s about trauma, and it may activate you.  Proceed with caution and courage if you choose.

We ALL have experience with trauma, and I am no exception.  Why do you think I became a coach after all??  Well, one of my traumas was being raised Catholic. 

I realize that many of you reading this may not think that would be traumatic, but hear me out.  Catholicism is based on the principle that we are all born of original sin.  So you are born a sinner already, even before you did anything other than come into the world, and you spend the rest of your life repenting for your sins in hopes of getting into heaven when you die.  In addition, the rules of Catholicism are quite oppressive.  The list of things you can’t do without ending up in hell is quite long, and the sexual shame is baked right in from the beginning.  If you choose to have sex before marriage, you’re going straight to hell when you die.  If you masturbate, straight to hell.  If you have sex with anyone other than your spouse, straight to hell.  If you dare to actually enjoy sex, straight to hell.  And so on and so forth.  It’s a lot of programming that needs to be undone in adulthood if you’re interested in living a life of freedom and having a fulfilling sex life. 

Here’s the thing: telling someone they can’t have sex is like telling them they can’t eat food.  It’s completely unrealistic and impossible for most people on this planet.  We are inherently sexual beings with desires and needs, and that gets to be celebrated!  But for so many of us, the shame we were exposed to as a child, no matter what religion or culture we were born into, is keeping us from embracing the pleasure that is our birthright. 

There are many ways that I work with shame and trauma in my NYC-based sex and relationship coaching practice.  One of the ways is through kink or BDSM practices.  I recently attended the Somatica® Institute BDSM Mastery workshop for sex coaches taught by Shelby Devlin, and I got the chance to begin working through my religious trauma with BDSM. 

Real quick for those of you who don’t know: BDSM stands for Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism.  It can be defined as consensual play involving a wide range of kinky dynamics such as power play (dominance and submission), physical restraints, impact (pain) play, role playing, and more.

I’ve recently realized that as someone who grew up Catholic and has since rebelled against it, the idea of rebelling against the church is actually quite erotic for me.  It turns me on to be a “bad girl” who needs to be punished for being such a slut.  I decided to raise my hand during the workshop and ask Shelby about it, and she invited me to explore this with her in the form of a class demo.

Cue anxiety, fear, anticipation, and so much bravery as I walked to the front of the class.  After a brief interview where she asked me about my core desires and boundaries, she crafted a “scene” where I was a naughty school girl being punished by a nun. 

The rest is pretty blurry to be honest.  As she was the dominant and I was the submissive in the scene, I actually achieved “subspace” in a short amount of time.  Subspace is when the submissive gets lost in a somewhat meditative state and gives control to the dominant completely.  Now to be clear, I’m actually a pretty bratty sub, so I didn’t relinquish control easily.  I had a blast fighting against her as we role-played the scenario.  There were a million things going on in my body and brain at the same time.  I received “impact play” in the form of beating with a cane and small electric zaps.  (Arousal and adrenaline give us a higher tolerance for pain). It was dark, erotic, and pushed my growing edges in all the right ways.  But it was what happened afterwards that was perhaps even more interesting. 

“Aftercare” is what the submissive requests from the dominant after the scene is over.  It’s what they feel they need in order to come back to neutral in their nervous system.  For my aftercare, I had requested a cuddle sesh.  As I was lying in Shelby’s arms, I started to get emotional and cried.  It’s actually quite common for people to release emotion either during or after a BDSM scene, especially if it hits on themes that are traumatic for them.  So there I was being held and crying in front of the whole class.  It was during this time that a few of my classmates reported hearing church bells outside.  Synchronicity is my favorite.

Later that day, a classmate asked if I could name the emotion that came up afterward.  The answer was no.  I have no idea what that was, but I knew it needed to be released from my body, and I was ready to let that happen.  That’s the awesome thing about somatic work.  You don’t need to know what it is to release it from your body.

There’s a chance it was generational trauma that had been stored in my body.  While I was never actually beaten by a nun, my parents definitely were, and most likely my grandparents and so on.  The field of epigenetics has scientifically proven that trauma from past generations is passed down through our DNA.  Or if you’re more spiritually-minded, it’s essentially the same concept as reincarnation.  So there’s a chance that whatever I was feeling and releasing wasn’t even mine.

I continued to integrate this emotional experience throughout the next week.  There were a couple days where I felt okay emotionally, and then several days later, the feelings all hit me again like a ton of bricks.  I was weepy all day and felt emotionally and physically exhausted.  I still couldn’t name or pinpoint the emotion, but I let it all out.  I took extra good care of myself that day and just allowed it to flow through me so it could release.  I had plans that night to go to a Britney-Spears-themed dance party with a partner of mine, but I ended up just asking him to come to my place instead.  I told him the story, cried, and was held physically and emotionally.  Once the tears had passed through, we had sex.  It’s actually advisable to have some orgasms to help move the energy through your body, and I will say, it worked like a charm.  And even though I was SUPER bummed about missing Britney (this is very unlike me!), I had no choice but to listen to my body that day.  And I’m so glad I did. 

Since then, I’ve been feeling pretty good and back to normal.  I do feel emotionally lighter as I always do after a big emotional release.  But it’s not like my life is drastically different.  I say this because sometimes people have this idea that one quick experience of trauma work can change everything, when in reality, healing is a long process.  It takes dedication to doing the work, sometimes for years or even lifetimes (if you believe in that sort of thing).  But it’s never too late to start doing the work and reaping the benefits in this lifetime! 

Now you may be thinking, “Why on earth would she re-traumatize herself like that??  What’s the point?”.  Well, the truth is, we are all using sex as a way to heal our traumas from childhood.  Whether you’re exploring the BDSM and kink world or having more traditional sex (no shade!), your core desires are directly correlated to your trauma.  Our core desires are shaped by whatever needs we didn’t have met as children.  Sometimes it’s very empowering to replay experiences where you didn’t have control, only this time you have agency over the situation.  (Stay tuned for a future blog post diving into core desires and hottest sexual movies!).

As I write this, I’m on an airplane.  As the flight is nearly over, I looked up just now to see a man making the sign of the cross, presumably in hopes of a safe landing. 

That’s exactly what I do for my clients.  I work with them on whatever deep, dark things they are ready to explore, all while holding loving space for them -- ensuring a safe landing.