Be a Greedy Lover. I Dare You.

Confession time.  I’m a greedy lover.  I love to receive pleasure.  I love to enjoy as many orgasms as humanly possible.  I love to be on the receiving end of my partner’s overwhelming desire for me.  And I relish the hell out of all of it.  

What comes up for you reading that?  Are you judging me?  Are you thinking, “Well, what about your partner?  What’s in it for them?”  Are you questioning if you yourself would be able to receive pleasure in the same way without counting down the minutes until it’s your turn to reciprocate?  

Well, it makes perfect sense!  We are raised to be these selfless little beings that, dare I say, “walk in the footsteps of Jesus” (direct quote from my Catholic school days).  We are taught from an early age not to be a burden or too needy.  We are praised when we do things like share our toys and are often denied and/or scolded when we ask for what we want and need. So we learn that the optimal way of being is to please others and not make waves.  To put the needs of others over our own.  And this naturally bleeds right into our sex lives as adults. 

In my NYC-based coaching practice, I work with a lot of clients who come to me saying they want to learn to be a better lover for their partner.  I will admit that most of these particular clients are men with female partners.  I think part of this is tied to the societal expectation of men to be the provider for women; the provider of financial stability, physical protection, and sexual satisfaction, to name a few.  But what I usually end up doing with these men, before getting into the nitty gritty of sexual technique, is coaching them on how to connect with their own desire and pleasure first.  I teach them how to feel comfortable getting theirs. 

Remember when I said that I love feeling my partner’s overwhelming passion and desire for me?  This is a very common core desire.  I want my partner to touch me the way that they want to touch me, not the way they think that I might want to be touched.  This is how you let someone feel your desire, and how you enhance both your pleasure and theirs.  

Similarly, one of the reasons many men experience some form of erectile dysfunction at some point in their lifetime is because they are actually exercising too much impulse control.  They are not following their own desires, but instead holding back for fear of being too aggressive or too much.  

And here’s something else that may sound groundbreaking to you.  Your own orgasm is your responsibility.  It is not your partner’s responsibility to give you orgasms (despite this being the way it is colloquially described).  It is actually your job to take control of your own orgasms, your own pleasure, and your own sexual experience as a whole.  Many people talk about the orgasm gap between men and women.  I really encourage my female clients to take their orgasm into their own hands and make it happen for themselves.  

A whopping 70% of women cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation.  Read that again. 

So if that is you, hey, guess what…  You’re normal!!  And you get to touch your own clitoris or employ your favorite vibrator during intercourse, and get yours.  

So back to my being a greedy lover.  I know some of you may still be concerned about my poor, long-suffering partners who give and give and never get anything in return (lol).  Well, relax.  Because here’s the thing.  The sheer volume of intense enjoyment and pleasure that I receive and express is what makes me a great lover.  I am so fun to play with because I’m authentically living my best damn life during sex.  I’m getting mine unapologetically.  And if I feel an authentic desire to pleasure my partner, then I do (and I enjoy the hell out of it).  And if I don’t, then I don’t.  And guess what… Everyone still comes out a happy camper. 

Now, let’s be clear.  I’m not saying don’t ever reciprocate.  I’m also not saying don’t care at all about whether or not your partner is having a good time.  Obviously these things are important.  And yes, sexual technique is a skill that can be taught, and that’s important too.  But what I challenge you to do is to pleasure your partner because it’s fun for you to pleasure them, rather than just because you fear being seen as selfish.  Or even worse, because you feel obligated to do so.  (No one wants to receive “obligation oral”.  Trust me.)  

We all could stand to bring a little more authenticity into our sex lives.  So if you authentically want to perform oral sex on your partner because you love hearing them moan and squirm, or because you love how it feels when you have their genitals in your mouth, then please have an amazing time doing that!  Just don’t do it out of obligation or fear of judgment.  

When you bring your own desire and passion for your partner into the bedroom, they will feel it energetically.  It will turn them on even more to feel that they are turning you on just by being their sexy lil’ self.  Then you’re turning each other on, and then it can escalate from there.  So go forth, take your pleasure into your own hands, and get yours.