Why Did I Become a Sex and Relationship Coach?

This is the number one question I get asked when I tell people that I’m a coach.  And my number one answer?  Shame. 

When I was a little girl, I was at the beach with my family.  I was too young to remember, but legend has it that my mother caught me rubbing my vulva in the sand exclaiming, “This feels good!”.  The reason I know about this is because my mother, even to this day, relishes the opportunity to share this story with anyone who will listen.  God forbid a young child explore what it feels like to be in this new thing called a human body! 

The fact that I don’t even remember this happening doesn’t even matter.  I’ve been shamed for it ever since.  And I guarantee you I’m not the only one walking around with sexual shame from before they can even remember.  It is so deeply engrained into our society, whether it be through organized religion, the media, our peers, or our authority figures.  And it takes a lot of deep healing work to even begin to break free of it in adulthood. 

In my NYC-based coaching practice, I see individuals and couples with a plethora of sexual and relational difficulties.  And no matter what the situation, there is always an undercurrent of shame we picked up in our childhoods.  You better believe that the shame your parents, your community, or your church may have placed upon you before you could even talk is affecting how you relate to your partner as an adult.  When we’re children, our brains are like sponges.  We soak up anything and everything and have no filter for what’s helpful and what’s not.  Our little brains can’t remember a time when we didn’t carry shame with us on the regular, so it becomes the norm. 

And then when this child becomes an adult, they wonder why they may struggle with everything from low sexual desire to erectile dysfunction.  Or why they stay stuck in their head and can’t get in touch with their body.  Why they can’t orgasm.  Why they orgasm too quickly.  Or why they’ve just never enjoyed sex their entire life. 

If any of this has resonated with you so far, I want you to know three things:

1) You are not alone.

2) There is nothing wrong with you.  

3) There is hope. 

It is never too late to release the shame you’ve been carrying for decades and finally start having the best sex of your life!  And that’s exactly why I became a sex & relationship coach.  Life’s too short to not enjoy the wonder that is your body.  And yet so many people just go through life as a floating head! 

I am so committed to changing that.  To helping people define their core sexual desires, to helping them de-shamify those very desires, and to helping them finally get those desires met in their sexual experiences.  Have you ever heard erotic energy referred to as “life force energy”?  Well, that’s because when you embrace your eroticism, it gives you a vivacity that you can’t get elsewhere.  (Even from espresso.  Believe me, I’ve tried.).  There is nothing else in the world quite like it! 

It is my fundamental belief that every human being deserves to live a fulfilling, passionate life.  And I’m saying this because I know some of you are reading this like, “Yeah, that sounds nice for you.  But that’s not for me.”  Wrong!  No matter who you are in this world, you deserve to reclaim the pleasure that is your birthright. 

So take a cue from little Leandra and begin to really explore your body.  Don’t just pull up your favorite porn site and go directly to the finish line.  Nothing against porn or orgasms (believe me), but I want you to start by exploring your body with childlike wonder and innocence.  Like you’re new on this earth and new to this body, and every sensation is fascinating.  Leave no inch untouched.  Take your time.  And revel in the fact that there’s no one there to shame you for indulging in what feels delicious to you. 

This is just one step in dissolving the sexual shame that we’ve all be carrying for decades. No matter what comes of this exercise, I encourage you to be super kind and gentle with yourself.  If you have a history of trauma or don't feel ready for this one yet, for any reason, I'll have more suggestions in future blogs.

I'd love to help you de-shamify and reclaim your sexual self, a process best navigated with a professional sex and relationship coach who specializes in this type of work.  If you’re ready to take the next step on this journey, I encourage you to reach out to me for support.  I look forward to connecting with you!