The Top 3 Things I’ve Learned in Polyamory
About a year and a half ago, I began exploring the world of polyamory in my personal life. I, like most of us, had spent my entire dating life up until this point in monogamy. It is indeed the societally-prescribed way to date and relate, and it has been for centuries. I was trying everything I could to make the “fairytale” come true for me. But, like many of us, I was coming up short.
I had A LOT of dating fatigue, and my attitude toward dating, relationships, and the people I was meeting had turned pretty sour. I would go through a phase where I was on the apps, only to very quickly get burnt out and discouraged by the quality of the candidates. I would match with someone only to have them never respond to my messages. Or I would go on a date where the conversation was like pulling teeth. Or I would go on a few dates with someone and really like them, only to have them end it or ghost.
I began wondering if there was anyone out there for me. Was there something wrong with me? Why did it seem like relationships were so much easier for everyone else? Was I just doomed to singledom for the rest of my life??
Sound familiar? Do I sound like every single person on the planet? Yes, well that’s because we’ve all been taught by society that our worth decreases when we’re single and increases when we’re partnered. Being partnered is the desired way to be, and if you’re single, well, that’s a problem that needs fixing ASAP. Everyone wants to know about the two main things in our lives: career success and relationship success. If either or both of those is seen as lacking, judgment and/or pity awaits.
Have you or one of your friends ever said “All the good ones are taken”? This commonly uttered phrase amongst friends complaining about the dating scene is cementing a lack mentality in everyone who hears it. These thoughts of lack become beliefs really quickly (a belief if just a thought you keep thinking). And beliefs create emotional blocks.
So if you’re approaching dating with a lack mentality, guess what you’re going to experience. Lack!
Now before I talk about my experience with polyamory, I want to just be clear that there is nothing wrong with choosing monogamy as your relationship structure. Just because it’s the structure that is glorified by society doesn’t mean that it isn’t right for you and your partner. I just encourage you to choose the relationship structure that’s right for you, rather than just defaulting to what everyone else seems to be doing. And if you actively choose monogamy as the right structure for you, then I seriously love that for you!
For me, though, I had had enough. We all know Albert Einstein’s definition of insanity (doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results), and I was done with feeling insane! Even more than that, I was educated and curious AF about open relationships. Could this work for me? I decided to give it a go.
I had always felt that it was unreasonable to expect one person to meet every single one of your needs, an expectation commonly placed on one’s romantic partner in monogamy. Also, as a child of divorce, I’ve never been fully convinced that humans are meant to mate for life. These two thoughts were enough for me to be really intrigued about the idea of taking the pressure off of myself and my partners and trying something a little less rigid.
When I started exploring non-monogamy, I told myself that there was no pressure to stay non-monogamous forever. I vowed to constantly check in with myself and see how I was feeling, and I gave myself permission to go back to monogamy at any time. This really helped me take the pressure off! Exactly what I was looking to do.
I started dipping my toes in, and it was fun! I got on Feeld: The Dating App for Open-Minded Individuals. Every time I met a person on there, I asked them what communities were good for meeting like-minded people, and I started getting involved in said communities. I went to poly-minded mixers and play parties. I read, I listened to a ton of podcasts, and I talked to people and learned from their experiences. But most importantly, I dove in head first with dating in the poly community, and I learned a TON from firsthand experience.
Below, I’m giving you the top three lessons I’ve learned so far on my polyamory journey. Enjoy!
The Importance of Specific Terminology
When I first came on the scene, I thought words like ethical non-monogamy, open, and polyamorous were synonyms. They are not.
Non-monogamy: a brief and incomplete glossary.
Monogamish: A couple that is mostly monogamous but occasionally steps outside the relationship for sexual connections only.
Swinging / Lifestyle: Couples that engage sexually with other couples or sometimes bring a third person into their bedroom for sexual fun. Swingers often attend events at lifestyle resorts or parties specifically aimed at sexual exploration rather than emotional connections outside of the main relationship.
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) / Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) / Open: These are sort of synonyms / catch-all terms people use to communicate that they are non-monogamous in some way. The level of outside emotional connection vs. sexual connection that is on the table for each couple is specific to the boundaries that the couple have agreed upon.
Hierarchical polyamory: A structure where there is one primary couple that seeks to have full-blown emotionally-connected relationships with other people outside of the main relationship. They may refer to these partners as secondary partners.
Non-hierarchical polyamory: A structure where two people may be partners, and each of them has other full-blown emotionally-connected relationships with other people. The difference here is that there is no designation of one person as the primary partner. Rather, there is the idea that each relationship has equal weight for each individual involved.
Solo polyamory: Refers to a person who identifies as polyamorous but does not engage in full-blown emotionally-connected partnerships. The term solo poly tends to indicate that the person is not looking for primary partnership and is not interested in forming partnerships. Though some people use this term to simply indicate that they are poly and not currently partnered.
Hokay! Now that we’re sort of on the same page, back to my story. So once I learned the definitions of the different structures, I decided that polyamory felt most aligned with what I desired. As a demisexual, I really value emotional connection, and I can totally see myself being in love with multiple people. I mean, doesn’t that sound just awesome?! So the first thing I learned was the importance of asking people upfront what style of non-monogamy they prefer and what they are open to. “If you have a primary partner, are you open to emotionally-connected relationships with other people, or are you looking for purely sexual connections?” Things like that.
One of the things I love the most about non-monogamy is that you get to design the boundaries of your relationship yourself! You get to decide with your partner(s) exactly what you want your relationship to look like so that it works for you and the people around you. This feels so liberating to me. (BTW, if you’d like some professional guidance on designing your ideal relationship structure, I’d be delighted to help you with that!)
The Importance of Clear Communication
When I started exploring the non-monogamy scene, I met someone at a mixer and we started dating. He was one of the first people I had dated since becoming open, and I was but a babe trying to figure it out. We went out, we made out, and we were having a lot of fun. Fast forward to two months later, and we were still seeing each other. But I didn’t feel like it was progressing, and I was perplexed. We had a great time when we were together, but we didn’t talk much in between dates, we hadn’t had sex yet, and the dates weren’t very frequent. I started to wonder if this guy even liked me at all. So I finally just asked him. He proceeded to inform me that he did indeed like me. He just had four other partners plus a full time job. I felt so much better just knowing the full situation and where I stood within it!
Now everyone has a different preference in terms of how much they want to know about their partner’s partners (or metamours). And you get to design that too. But for me, I now always ask upfront what someone’s current partner situation is. That knowledge is so comforting to me!
The Importance of Abundance Mentality
I really think this has been the single biggest paradigm shift for me since becoming poly. As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, my previous monogamous dating life was riddled with lack mentality (and a ton of frustration). I really did believe that “All the good ones were taken”. The shift was realizing that now that I’m poly, there is an abundance of quality people to spend my time with. If they’re “taken”, that gets to be okay because everyone is a consenting adult who is on the same page. My inner monologue has quite literally taken a 180-degree turn from “There’s no one good to date” to “There are plenty of amazing people to date, form deep relationships with, and have sex with”.
And when you shift to an abundance mindset in one area of your life, it helps foster abundance in other areas as well. I’ve seen this affect my life in so many positive ways, and I’m so grateful for this shift.
In my NYC-based sex and relationship coaching practice, I help individuals, couples, and polycules explore the possibilities of relationship structure. There are many other possible iterations of your ideal relationship that are not defined in this post, and I want you to know that I’m here for you if you want professional guidance on designing your relationship.
No matter what relationship structure you choose, I hope it brings you joy. Go forth and love!
