Confession time. I’m a greedy lover. I love to receive pleasure. I love to enjoy as many orgasms as humanly possible. I love to be on the receiving end of my partner’s overwhelming desire for me. And I relish the hell out of all of it.

What comes up for you reading that? Are you judging me? Are you thinking, “Well, what about your partner? What’s in it for them?” Are you questioning if you yourself would be able to receive pleasure in the same way without counting down the minutes until it’s your turn to reciprocate?

Well, it makes perfect sense! We are raised to be these selfless little beings that, dare I say, “walk in the footsteps of Jesus” (direct quote from my Catholic school days). We are taught from an early age not to be a burden or too needy. We are praised when we do things like share our toys and are often denied and/or scolded when we ask for what we want and need. So we learn that the optimal way of being is to please others and not make waves. To put the needs of others over our own. To please people in order to feel loved. And this naturally bleeds right into our sex lives as adults.

As a certified somatic sex and relationship coach and board-certified sexologist, I get a lot of people asking me how to be a better lover. Well, my take on it may surprise you. I actually encourage people to be more selfish in the bedroom! Hear me out.

When you’re fully embodied in your own pleasure and completely present in the moment, you are f**king magnetic. It’s so damn sexy to be with someone who is fully in their pleasure. And as I’m sure you know, a better sex life leads to better romantic relationships. Care to learn more? Read on!

Prioritizing Your Own Pleasure

In my NYC-based sex coaching practice, I work with a lot of clients who come to me saying they want to learn to be a better lover for their partner. I will admit that most of these particular clients are men with female partners. I think part of this is tied to the societal expectation of men to be the provider for women; the provider of financial stability, physical protection, and sexual pleasure, to name a few. But what I usually end up doing with these men, before getting into the nitty gritty of sex tips, is coaching them on how to connect with their own desire and pleasure first. I teach them how to feel comfortable getting theirs.

Remember when I said that I love feeling my partner’s overwhelming passion and desire for me? This is a very common core desire. I want my partner to touch me the way that they want to touch me, not the way they think that I might want to be touched. This is how you let someone feel your desire, and how you enhance both your pleasure and theirs.

Similarly, one of the reasons many men experience some form of erectile dysfunction at some point in their lifetime is because they are actually exercising too much impulse control. They are not following their own desires, but instead holding back for fear of being too aggressive or too much.

Ladies, don’t think I forgot about you! I also work with many women who have blocks around receiving pleasure. Women have been so programmed to be selfless caretakers in all aspects of life that they often have a hard time relaxing into receiving. They think that in order to be a great lover, they have to stop their pleasure in its tracks and rush to reciprocate. It’s like they’re counting down the minutes before it’s time to take the focus off of them.

Very often, I work with couples who are stuck in this pattern. They are both so consumed with making sure their partner is having a good time that they forget about their own pleasure. At the same time, when their partner tries to give them pleasure, they can’t relax into receiving. It’s a vicious cycle that leads to dissatisfaction on both sides.

The first step to becoming a great lover is understanding your own pleasure and relaxing into receiving. This is an especially great tip for when you’re in a new relationship. You’re in that exciting place where you’re exploring each other’s bodies anew and establishing your sexual dynamic. So take this time to flex your receiving muscles and enjoy the exploration!

Taking Responsibility for Your Orgasm

Here’s something else that may sound groundbreaking to you. Your own orgasm is your responsibility. It is not your partner’s responsibility to give you orgasms (despite this being the way it is colloquially described). It is actually your job to take control of your own orgasms, your own pleasure, and your own sexual experience as a whole. Many people talk about the orgasm gap between men and women. I really encourage my female clients to take their orgasm into their own hands (literally) and make it happen for themselves.

A whopping 70% of women cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation. Read that again.

So if that is you, hey, guess what… You’re normal!! And you get to touch your own clitoris or employ your favorite sex toys during intercourse, and get yours.

And just because your orgasm is your responsibility doesn’t mean you can’t enroll your partner in assisting you. Getting on the same page with your partner is key to maximizing your orgasmic potential. Have your past experiences helped you learn what really gets you going? Share that info with your partner! Establishing open, non-judgmental communication about sex is key to your success as a couple. And if you want to go deeper, you can explore each other’s core desires and hottest sexual movies! More info on that in this blog.

The Power of Authentic Desire

So back to my being a greedy lover. I know some of you may still be concerned about my poor, long-suffering partners who give and give and never get anything in return (lol). Well, relax. Because here’s the thing. The sheer volume of intense enjoyment and pleasure that I receive and express is what makes me a great lover. I am so fun to play with because I’m authentically living my best damn life during sex. I’m getting mine unapologetically. This naturally turns my partner on as they can feel my authentic desire for them, which in turn can create a powerful emotional connection.

And if I feel an authentic desire to pleasure my partner, then I do (and I enjoy the hell out of it). And if I don’t, then I don’t. And guess what… Everyone still comes out a happy camper.

The Difference Between Obligation and Desire

Now, let’s be clear. I’m not saying you can’t ever reciprocate. I’m also not saying not to care at all about whether or not your partner is having a good time. Obviously these things are important. And yes, sexual technique is a skill that can be taught, and that’s important too. But what I challenge you to do is to pleasure your partner because it’s fun for you to pleasure them, rather than just because you fear being seen as selfish. Or even worse, because you feel obligated to do so. (No one wants to receive “obligation oral”. Trust me.)

We all could stand to bring a little more authenticity into our sex lives. So if you authentically want to perform oral sex on your partner because you love hearing them moan and squirm, or because you love how it feels when you have their genitals in your mouth, then please have an amazing time doing that! Just don’t do it out of obligation or fear of judgment.

Genuine desire and passion in a relationship are felt energetically, and so is the lack thereof. It’s extremely important that both partners feel authentically desired by the other. Sex is an incredible way to connect physically and emotionally with your partner, and when your partner enjoys the experience, it makes them want it (and you) even more. Allowing them to witness you at your full orgasmic potential is the best way to make that happen, rather than focusing on trying to please them and checking out of your own body in the process.

Conclusion: The Liberated Lover

I hope this blog has helped you see that when authentically embodied, a greedy lover is, in fact, a great lover. By prioritizing your own pleasure, taking responsibility for your own orgasm, and acting from a place of genuine desire, you can step into the most sexually-liberated version of yourself. Follow these simple sex tips, and your relationship will certainly benefit!

When you bring your own desire and passion for your partner into the bedroom, they will feel it energetically. It will turn them on even more to feel that they are turning you on just by being their sexy lil’ self. Then you’re turning each other on, and then it can escalate from there.

When you authentically live your best damn sexual life, both you and your partner will enjoy more sexual satisfaction. This creates a more passionate and fulfilling relationship for everyone involved. So go forth, take your pleasure into your own hands, and get yours.

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