As an intimacy coach, I get clients asking me all the time, “Am I asexual?”.  It’s such a common question that can cause a lot of confusion and anxiety, especially when the modern world is so full of sexually-relevant content.  It feels like we’re bombarded with sexual messaging all day, whether it be on social media, in movies and TV, in advertising, in dating, and even when we’re just catching up with friends.  In a world that seems so obsessed with sex, it can be really isolating to feel like you just don’t subscribe to traditional norms around sexual desire.  It’s so hard to feel like you’re “different” but not have language for why you feel that way. 

The term “unicorn hunting” in ethical non-monogamy is often used to describe a heterosexual couple in a primary partnership that seek a bisexual woman to fit perfectly into their existing open relationship dynamic, whether it be for casual sex or for more of a triad relationship structure.  The term is seen as negative or derogatory in the polyamory community because it can make the unicorn feel objectified, fetishized, and devalued.  Many people will label swingers or monogamish couples looking for a third as unicorn hunters because they feel like these couples are seeking to use bisexual women for sex and then discard them when they’re finished having fun.  

The term “narcissism” has become a bit of a buzzword on social media in the last decade or so.  You may hear people left and right labeling their ex as a narcissist without really understanding what that even means.  As a society, it seems we’ve gotten into the habit of throwing the term at anyone who hurts our feelings.  But the reality is that narcissism is a personality disorder (one that is likely drastically underdiagnosed).  I get the sense that it may be underdiagnosed because it’s hard to get someone with narcissistic tendencies to admit that they’re wrong and seek professional help.  

So, you want to open your relationship, huh?  Congratulations!  The world of open relationships can be exciting, sexy, and really fun.  It can also feel challenging, threatening, and destabilizing when you’re coming from monogamy.  Especially if you’re changing the structure of an existing monogamous relationship where a dynamic has already been established for years, it can feel like you’re starting from scratch. 

Remember when you and your partner first got together?  It was new, exciting, and probably super-hot, right?  That intoxicating NRE (new relationship energy) fuels our sexual attraction during this time.  Our bodies release a delicious cocktail of bonding hormones, and we can’t get enough.  We think about each other constantly, we can’t wait to spend more time together, and we can’t keep our hands off each other.

The terms “fetish” vs. “kink” are often used interchangeably in society, but they’re actually different things.  While a sexual kink is broadly defined as any erotic desire that is outside “the norm”, a sexual fetish is an erotic desire that is fixated on a particular object, body part, piece of clothing, or behavior.  One is not better or more acceptable than the other.  They are just different ways that we can enhance our experience of sexual arousal. 

Most reasonable adults can agree that communication is an important ingredient in any healthy relationship.  But how do you know if your communication is helpful or hurtful?  Are you really engaging in quality communication that brings you and your partner(s) closer together, or are you just talking at each other without really being heard?  Do you feel like you’re really being met emotionally by your partner, or are you always missing each other and struggling to connect?

The term “de-escalation” has gained a lot of popularity in recent years in the non-monogamy community.  But what does it really mean?  And how do you know when to use de-escalation techniques vs. breaking up?  It can be really hard to determine what the best path forward is for you and your partner(s).  You know that something has to change, but does everything have to change?

Relationship repair is one of the top things I do with couples in my NYC-based sex and relationship coaching practice.  But they usually don’t realize that’s what they’re in for when they first reach out to me!  A lot of couples reach out because they’ve lost their sexual connection and are looking to get it back.  What they don’t realize is that resentment in their romantic relationship is likely one of the main causes of their low sexual desire. 

At its core, intimacy is about closeness: a deep emotional connection that makes people feel known and accepted by each other.  Intimacy isn’t just limited to romantic and/or sexual connections.  Intimacy is what allows all types of social and personal relationships to thrive through trust, empathy, and vulnerability.  In healthy relationships, intimacy is what forms the foundation for communication, safety, and long-term fulfillment.  Without it, partners may feel disconnected internally, even if everything looks fine on the surface. So it’s super important to understand the different types of intimacy and how to cultivate them in a romantic relationship.

Facilitating inner child healing is a huge part of my work as a somatic sex and relationship coach.  I realize this may surprise you.  You may be thinking of inner child work as some kind of psychobabble that you’ve heard about on social media rather than something that actually has the capacity to change your love life. 

Intimacy is such a broad term, and it can mean different things to different people.  As a somatic sex and relationship coach, people often ask me how to rekindle intimacy in long-term relationships.  My first questions back to them are always, “What kind of intimacy?  Emotional intimacy?  Physical intimacy?  Both?”.  (Hint: it’s usually both). 

Spoiler alert: you’re angry.  Sadness lives underneath anger.  Many people find sadness to be more socially acceptable than anger, so they choose to live in the sadness instead.  But that doesn’t mean the anger went away.  Irritability is a product of suppressed anger that is boiling up to the surface and releasing itself in little snaps here and there.  You can be grateful for your life overall and still have unprocessed anger underneath. It’s in there.